I feel like my life is wasting away. Not literally, I mean, I am a picture of health and youth. Well, maybe not a perfect picture- but you get the point. I can’t shake this feeling lately like I’m not doing anything worthy with my life, like I’m wasting it. Wasted potential; that’s what I feel like.
The only thing I have to my name is a fantastic husband and a beautiful baby. The first was 50% his choice, too, and the second is 99% genetics. So that leaves me; doing nothing with my life. No career path to speak of; heck I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up (if I grow up) and I’m 26.
I have had a lot of aspirations in my life; I wanted to be a veterinarian, an artist, a blogger, an author, a graphic designer, a web designer, a dog breeder. Thus far none of them have panned out. At twenty six and starting our family, I can’t see myself going back to school any time in the near future. I feel like I’ve pigeon holed myself into a corner; I was getting old to be starting a family, but I was also getting old to be starting a career. I chose family, because honestly I think on my death bed I’m going to be more concerned about my family than my employment. But reality is that I still have to live the years between here and there and feel like I’m contributing something to society.
The problem is that I have no idea where to start. Being a vet was really a childhood pipe dream, I really don’t have the GPA for that. Artists need talent, pure talent, I have a small bit of ability to doodle. Usually on my homework (see aforementioned comment about GPA or lack thereof.) Blogging seems like this really elite club of luckily successful people who found a niche on the internet and were rewarded for their humour, creativity and intelligence. I feel like I don’t have any of those three things, let alone a combination of them. I would love, repeat love, to write a book. My husband wants me to. He really encourages me (something to note; my hubby is a HUGE fan and supporter of mine, he just thinks I lack direction and commitment- which is really true- don’t tell him I said that.) I’ve been writing short stories and even small novels since I was a child, honestly I think I started in third grade. I just have no idea where to start- what genre to write, what type of book to write. And let’s be honest here; who is going to read what I have to write? Ugh. It’s pointless. Graphic and web design is so much like being an artist, PLUS the field is flooded with a million people who could do it better than me; so again, what’s the point? Now, breeding dogs I could do- I know enough to get started and I understand enough to make connections to help me the rest of the way. But it costs money and it’s not a very profitable career, if at all. It’s more of an expensive hobby. Like yacht buying, or summering in Paris. Well, maybe not that snooty, but you get the point.
All that to say; I’m stuck! I’m in a rut! I don’t know where to go or what to do. Right now I’m waiting for my husband to be finished University so he can get a real computer programming job, and we can have a real house. After that, what? By that point I’ll be 28 and likely working on or already have a second child (which I’m totally thrilled about- it just doesn’t lend itself to the whole career-path thing.) I feel like the things I wanted most in life are crashing together and not at all in an appealing way. Clashing more than crashing, really.
WOW. I am really whiney. I have a fantastic husband and a wonderful son. I have a roof over my head and an income. I live in Canada for pete’s sake (go Canada!) and I have extended family who love me (albeit live 3,000+ KM away.) I have a great, if not charmed, life. Why is it that I can’t be satisfied? Why is it I can’t batten down and put my mind to one thing and do it? All my aspirations are flapping around in the wind and I’m the lazy cat glaring at them instead of getting off my lazy duff and chasing one of them down.
So what if it’s the wrong one? At least I’ll have done something; accomplished something.
Did I just pep-talk myself into getting a move on on a subject? Possibly. Let you know real soon.